To Move or Not to Move

I may have the opportunity to move out of my house to a different spot in Providence into a collective of people I can care about.  It’s an ever-changing community that I know I will connect with.  I am just afraid of whether it will all work out getting there and being able to move…

I don’t think I want to stay here anymore. I think I want to just be done with this place… it holds too many memories.

Will any of you reading this please make a silent wish/prayer/thought that the right answer will come and the process will be smooth. Thank you.

Peace and Love

Getting There

I’m glad to see that things are just a matter of perspective.  Depression and happiness are only dependent on my perspective.  If I am present I am free from my emotional states and left peaceful.

Still, it’s hard to not miss my friends and family. Especially Nathan who has changed my life for ever. Somehow though those griefs lessen…

Peace and Love

Gettin’ Back Up Again

Sometimes it’s so easy to talk… words are so easily misconstrued… misinterpreted.  You can get caught up in semantics if you choose… I on the other hand do not.

I spend my day spouting off whatever I’m thinking or feeling without any care for it’s direction… meaning… relevance.  It’s not that I’m being lazy, I’m just putting my energy into it.  I’m distracting myself with real feeling.  I don’t use words like most people, I use energy and the words are just the part people need for interpreting.  I generalize and use extremes.  I don’t use the spectrum our vocabulary offers… just: good, bad, hate, love, most, least, all, every, you, I, people, etc.

Speaking impeccably is something I need to reinvestigate… anyone got a copy of The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz?  I could use some help because I’m been coming back to this for years… when will I learn?

Peace and Love and Impeccable Speech

Loneliness

Even with all the people I know love me.  I still feel alone.  I don’t like being alone.  I don’t like being here at my house… … … alone.  I want my community to be closer to me.  I want everyone I love nearer to me.  I don’t like the separation of city life and societal life.  I want to be able to knock on the door of my friend after cooking a dinner and invite them to eat… and not have to have them drive… just walk to the kitchen.

The worst part is that I’m not ever satisfied.  I can have someone there and just want to be alone… or just the opposite.  I can’t find peace of mind sometimes with loneliness…

Peace and Love

Taxes ‘09

I’m happy to say after many attempts, my taxes are done.  I don’t think my “Schedule C” got filled out correctly, but I’m hoping an amendment won’t be needed.  I thought I filled out everything correctly but after comparing with turbotax, I found 9x more of a return was waiting for me.  Now I know that I CAN NOT do taxes by myself and expect to get a good refund.  There are just too many things to account for.  I’m a bit upset to have waisted so much time trying to do my taxes and getting all upset over them, but at least now I feel like I understand how to do them and what I need to account for in future years… now the only thing I have to do is to not forget what I need to remember for next year.  That’s why I already wrote it down in a word document.  All in all I’m glad to be having these types of problems.  I don’t know how many people realize how good there lives are but I think the great majority of us are blessed.

Peace and Love

Sickness

Things are trying to grow everywhere.  Nature doesn’t ever stop trying.  Life finds a way to grow and takes advantage of what it can.  I think humans transcend that cycle because we can decide to stop.

I’ve been sick and I understand if I never got sick I would have no way of surviving in this world.  My body can not escape the onslaught and someday will succumb to some form of death.  I can not blame any one thing for my situation.  Protection in this world is no more thick than a veil.  Fearlessness and fear…. one come from an abundance of love/presence the other a lack.

So I think however I choose to live I need to be %100 happy.  That will keep life worth living.

Peace and Love

Life and More Life

When you think you finally have it all figured out… you just slip on the obviously placed proverbial banana peel yet again. When will I stop having to get back up again!? Sometimes I say things that haunt me for years… when will it stop and I wake up from this silly dream?

Peace and Love

The Pictures I Promised

I realized today that my camera’s picture quality is too large to put up in my blog.  I will have to forgo putting them up on the site unless someone knows how to change the file size of a photo…Otherwise you can go to my facebook album and look at them.

Peace and Love

Coming Home Again

I spent the last 5 nights enjoying the warm weather of sunny Phoenix. The weather here has been outstanding. I’m not looking forward to the cold once I get back tomorrow.

So far we’ve mostly been indoors due to a lack of a car (a real necessity when living in Phoenix). Nathan and I met my mom’s new friends (mostly younger than me). We went to get Mexican food(not enough if you ask me). We did a 1000 piece puzzle. All stuff to pass the time until we leave for Boston.

I think my favorite part of the visit was seeing our deaf friend Jason again. He was so patient with our sign language and relearning of our sign language. I hope we end up seeing him again today in Scottsdale.

I’m sad it was all so short. Next time I’ll plan for a couple of weeks. I’m glad to be going back to my life and routine to begin again fresh. I feel rejuvenated. I’ll post pictures soon.

Peace and Love

Finally It’s Over!

Just kidding! Well not about the fast being over, because it is. I am only kidding about the exclamation about it being over. I actually am feeling mostly the same physically. Still craving food. Still hungry.

I wanted to point out that this journey is a unique one. In no way will my experience be like anyone else’s. If you do decide to ever fast don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re going to find all the answers to the questions you may or may not have. I actually believe all the answers do come to you, but it has nothing to do with the fast. I believe all the answers are already there waiting for us to understand them. People just see things differently from one another.

I spent the great part of the last 3 days contemplating my fast and especially my food… when am I going to eat next… what will it be… how much should I eat… will I go back to the way I was… is this doing me any good… am I hurting myself… what is the point of it all…

I ended up consuming 1 cup of rice, a half cup of kimchi, a gallon of tea each with about a tablespoon of honey in each cup, and lots and lots of water. All this was in the time span of 68 hours, after which I broke my fast with a red pasta dinner (It was delicious). If you want more details feel free to ask.

I hope you all try and take yourselves past your limits of knowledge and experiences often. Wonder keeps us living for tomorrow, but experience keeps us alive.

Peace and Love