Life’s Purpose… Today

Published by Derek under Personal on October 14, 2009

I have been very self loathing lately. I’m also been regretful of a lot of my actions in the past week. I feel overwhelmed with negative thoughts in my head. It’s always something that reminds me of some stupid mistake or an inevitable moment in time that hasn’t happened. It’s very rare for me to be bombarded with depression from every angle. Yesterday I just felt like I didn’t want to do anything because I was just too nervous about the future and sick from the past.

But in the past 48 hours I have been making attempts at staying present. My biggest help has been my new mantra: Be Here Now, Now Be Here. Through that mantra I came to realize my life’s immediate purpose and the cause of most of my stress…….

MONEY!!!!!!!!!! MONEY!!!!!!!! MONEY!!!!!!!!!!

I have come back to the working world to pay off debt and make money. That is my purpose…. For now… I know it’s a lame revolution but it makes sense as to why I’m feeling down. Instead of putting my energy in securing as much money as I can to pay off the debt I owe, I’m just floating around with aloof thoughts running in my head. Months later after returning I’m just making excuses as to why I don’t want to work. It should be my volition. I don’t want to just live for money but it’s what I need to do right now… AS FAST AS POSSIBLE! I only need a year and I’ll be free… and possibly sooner!!!

So when I figured this out the future just seemed like a waiting game that I just needed to find the path of least resistance. I started to accept it. I feel better and more able to continue with things… we’ll see… I am holding to the vision of living with no debt… Being free…

Peace and Love

Is This What Democracy Looks Like?

Published by Derek under Video, Meditations/Discussions, Personal on October 8, 2009

I really don’t know what to think about this one. I hate it in so many ways… (that I will list below)

1. I hate the authorities. I don’t think they handled it well, but honestly I don’t know how the situation could be handled by authorities.
2. I hate the protesters for not listening to the cops to get off the streets. They should have had a back up plan to walk on the sidewalks off of the streets.
3. Why do cops have the right to stop protests. I truly believe we should have the right to do WHATEVER WE WANT! And if as a community we don’t agree with something that someone else is doing we should focus on stopping that. Anyone wish to discuss?!?!! PLEASE COMMENT!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for Listening

Published by Derek under Personal on October 6, 2009

I just wanted to thank one of my readers… who until today I had no idea read my blog. I actually started to wonder if anybody reads this thing… and my question was answered with compassion.

You really made me feel comforted. Thank you! I have been feeling a bit better about the whole alienation thing. I spent that past two or three weeks letting myself go free from my need to be completely productive. I spent days doing nothing but enjoying myself however that was for the day. Most of the time I wouldn’t even leave my house. And over that time I found out that I was missing something that made me feel whole. It was like an experiment into what my being craves. And no matter what I did I always felt the same… like I should be doing more with my life. So even if I end up “letting my friends down” I think it will be for the better. Because I understand now that my expectations and theirs are only that… expectations. There’s nothing I can do to change how they feel and react to the path I lead. I can only educate them on who I am and why… whether they like it or not.

I’m glad to know that there are people who read my blog that barely know me but feel enough compassion to tell me that everything is going to be okay. It’s already happened twice and both times I never would have expected it. Every time I find out someone has read my blog I feel better knowing that there are people who are listening… because in the real world I feel as though I am far from the norm… far enough so that my ideas just make me sound crazy. All I want is to live my life without guilt and with passion for life. I care about my actions and how they influence the world around me. I do believe that we create the world starting with the first thought we wake up with. I would rather see the world with an ideal perspective than one of pessimism and what people call “reality”. This is my reality… a world of peace and love is my vision… and I see it becoming more and more prevalent with every passing day.

Thank you again… you know who you are.

Peace and Love